Let's see how far we've come!!

Wow. I can't believe it's been over two months since my last blog entry!! Yikes! Guess that's what being a busy mom of two will do to ya! I am so happy to say it's been a phenomenal two months. I got to watch my team go to the Super Bowl (sad that they didn't actually WIN, but exciting nonetheless!), witness my two little boys continue to grow into incredible young men, spend lots of time loving my big boy (AKA hubby), attend an absolutely phenomenal wedding of two people I love so much, party a little too hard at said wedding :), continue to build my training base and watch my strength and distance grow - up to 5 miles on long runs, 3 days a week of ab ripper X, increased strength/endurance in the gym, etc., lose 10 more pounds for a total of 20 pounds since January, fit into a size I never in a million years imagined I'd be in, and even get complimented by my plastic surgeon on my "hot stomach"! Woooo-hoooo! What a ride! I've been loving every minute of life; realizing how lucky I am that I am able to do all these things, and having a blast doing things I never thought I could do - like I've always wanted to be skinny, and having decided that I am willing to make the sacrifices it takes to get there (finally!) am super psyched that I am making this dream come true!! How fun. In other news from the exciting category, I am starting to grow hair!! For the first time in 6 months, my hair is almost longer than my husband's!! Any of you that know my husband know how hilarious this is - he buzzes his hair at pretty much a 1, so very short!! But still, it's coming. I'm hoping that by summertime I'll be ready for some color on my very short hair, followed by a public debut just in time for summer tri/racing season! I'm also making progress in the reconstruction department - after a meeting with my plastic surgeon yesterday, there is some debate as to whether I will need to have one or two more surgeries this spring/summer; there may be a problem with the tissue expanders I have in right now which may force us to do another surgery prior to the "exchange" surgery when I get the permanent new girls. But the good news is that the plastic surgeon thinks I have a great chance for an "awesome result" which of course is what I'm looking for long term, so I will do what it takes to get his best work. Brian and I are both looking forward to the public debut of the new girls, and new, much improved stomach (thank you P90X) in a bikini!

I also raced in my first post-baby, post-cancer race - a 3K snowshoe race at the Romp to Stomp out Breast Cancer event in Frisco. To be honest, (and a little bit inappropriate, I know) I was a bit leary of the event at first - I tend to not enjoy the "weepy" environment of some breast cancer events. I'm a different kind of cancer girl, the kind that wears "don't mess with me, I kicked cancer's ass" T-shirts, not the kind that likes to sit around and get all nostalgic about it. So being the kind of girl that enjoys doing things that make me feel like a bad-ass (natural childbirth, getting a tattoo and belly button piercing by age 18, keeping the belly button piercing through two pregnancies, running, biking, swimming and lifting throughout chemo, I could keep going...) I decided the night prior to the Romp event to recruit my good friend Renee (with me in third photo) to run the race with me. Just to prove a point. Of course she wanted to race, being awesome Renee, and we had an absolute blast doing it. One of the best parts was crossing the finish line and hearing my friends screaming my name, knowing how proud of me they were, and how proud of myself I was. I felt like it was giving cancer the finger, saying you can't tell me what to do cancer, screw you. It did for me just what all races do - make me feel powerful, strong, in control of something awesome, like the bad-ass I like to pretend I am. :) My good friend Gina's (with me in second photo) husband took some great pictures at the race too - thanks Andy! I encourage you all to go out and do something that makes you feel alive - like a bad-ass - or just happy. You never know what's around every corner in your life, so take advantage of the time you have here, and do what you've always wanted to do - be a "skinny girl", run a race, volunteer your time, give to others, whatever makes you feel good. Because that's what it's all about...

Ending with two awesome quotes:

“The difference between great people and everyone else
is that great people create their lives actively,
while everyone else is created by their lives,
passively waiting to see where life takes them next.
The difference between the two
is the difference between living fully and just existing.”

Michael E. Gerber

"Crawling is acceptable. Falling is acceptable. Puking is acceptable. Tears are acceptable. Pain is acceptable. But quitting, well, quitting is entirely unacceptable."

My good friend Sonja's (of Race for the Cure/head shaving fame) coach, Chuckie

Love always, Amy

Exciting things in store for 2010!!

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since my last post! Yikes! Time flies when you're not doing chemo! Lots of life to live, memories to bask in, moments to celebrate...



So - since my last post in December, I have officially started my herceptin-only treatments, which will be every three weeks until September. Herceptin is a non-chemo drug that targets the "Her2Neu" expression of the kind of cancer I had. (LOVE being able to write "had"!!!!!!) Despite assurances from my doctor, nurses and even patients currently on Herceptin, I was terrified of what side effects Herceptin would have on my body. Flashbacks of the exhaustion, GI problems and nauseau kept running through my head as I sat in the doctor's office receiving my first Herceptin-only treatment. Taking just 30 minutes to run through my body (versus 3+ hours for chemo) it felt like a breeze, plus there was no need to go back the next day for a Neulasta shot and fluids like I did with chemo. Easy-peasy, as my 4-year-old would say. Then I waited for the side effects to kick in. And waited. And waited. And finally, when 5 days had passed with no apparent side effects other than some minor fatigue the first night, I just about threw a party! This I can handle for 7 more months! Unfortunately, the one side effect that can be pretty major is that Herceptin can occassionally cause decrease in heart function. Yeah, big side effect. Luckily, the kind of decrease it would cause is not like a heart attack or anything; just a potential (temporary) decrease in ejection fraction and I am monitored every three months to make sure it's not going down. The echo I did in January before starting Herceptin-only treatments showed no decrease in ejection fraction since starting Herceptin (along with chemo) in September, so for now, I'm in the clear. Will be keeping fingers crossed that it stays that way, especially now that I'm back to nice, hard workouts 6 days a week!! Yipppeeee!!!! Both my dr. and personal trainer think exercise is not only fine, but possibly the best thing in terms of keeping my heart healthy, which I was glad to hear, because I am LOVING the frequency and intensity of being able to work out hard core again!! Never felt so good or appreciated the ability to push my body several days a week.



And on that note, I am thrilled to announce that, since completing chemo, finally being able to work out hard again, and beginning a new, super heathly (OK, and very low-calorie) eating regimen, I have lost more than 10 pounds in 4 weeks! Allright, 7 of them were baby weight pounds, but still, I am so proud of myself, and have never been more excited about eating tons of fruits and veggies, severing my 20+ year relationship with Diet Coke to start a new love affair with sparkling water, and possibly the biggest personal feat - replacing white bread with whole wheat products. The difference has been dramatic, and addicting. I am writing down every calorie that goes into my mouth, yet allowing myself tiny treats now and then to keep me satisfied and motivated. And I'm looking forward to maintaining this lifestyle for years to come, and reaping the benefits of truly healthy eating - something I always thought I was doing, but wasn't entirely. With a goal of 5-15 more pounds to go, I am excited to have a rockin' body to match my new fake boobs!!!



Also since kissing chemo goodbye I got to board a plane for the first time in months, and, along with Brian, Drew and Ty, flew out to Indy to see my beloved Colts take on Baltimore last weekend. Words can't truly describe how happy I was to enjoy the pre-game festivities with friends and family, and I won't lie, I even cried when they started singing the national anthem. It's the little things, people. I felt so lucky and blessed to have the opportunity to enjoy the things, and people, I love, for years to come. When the opportunity presented itself to stay in Indy this week and attend the AFC Championship game vs. the Jets this weekend, well, it was no-brainer. We've had a really great time this week, enjoying each other and things we don't get to do all the time.

Love to all... and don't forget to root for the Colts this weekend!

Amy

The best Christmas gift ever!!

Yikes, was this round hard. Nauseau hit fast and hard this time, something very new to me in the chemo-experience. Not being able to eat is a major problem for me, as I do love to eat!! I timed my chemo this time so that I would feel decent (Day 1 and 2) to take Drew to visit Santa (no Santa for Ty this year - germs are too risky with his age and my chemo) and be able to see him sing in his preschool program - both precious moments that I did not want to feel too sick to get to experience. It was a delicate balancing act to perfectly time chemo so that I could squeeze those crucial things in, but leave enough time on the other end so that I would feel good again in time to celebrate Christmas!

Despite honestly thinking that I might never make it back from "crappy Chemo-land" and ever be able to eat or drink anything (let alone Christmas brunch, cookies, mimosas, etc.) again, I finally rejoined the land of the living yesterday, and shortly after, received my most coveted Christmas gift - THERE WILL BE NO MORE CHEMO FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, the reason chemo #6 will not be in the future for this lucky lady is that I have been experiencing some, ummmm, unpleasant GI issues which have my doctor concerned that the chemo is doing irreversible damage to my ummm, GI parts. So I do get to go see a GI doc next week, and possibly get to experience some unpleasant tests, but hey, I would do just about anything to not have to do round #6! My doctor apparently thinks that the difference between doing 5 and 6 rounds is not worth the risk of doing further damage, so 5 rounds it will be.

Needless to say, Brian and I are ecstatic. In fact, I'm not sure who is happier! We are giddy to have the major treatments behind us (I'll still get infusions of herceptin every three weeks for 7 months, but since this is not a "chemo" drug, the side effects are apparently minimal, my hair can begin to grow back, I can start doing more intense workouts again, etc.) and excited to move forward with the process of reconstruction! I never thought I'd long for fake boobs, but am so ready to feel whole and "normal" again, and if that involves having perky, albeit silicon breasts, then so be it! We're so ready to put this chapter behind us and get back to somewhat normal life again. Yes, there will still be doctor visits and surgeries to complete the reconstruction, but we can say goodbye to the really bad stuff and start looking forward to good times ahead! We are psyched to celebrate this day, and every day after it - life and health are true gifts, ones that we appreciate more than ever before.

We hope that you all will have a wonderful holiday filled with so much love and happiness, and thank you again for all your love, encouragement and support. We know we will still need it in the journey ahead, but are so happy to have weathered the worst of the storm.

Hug your loved ones and celebrate every day as the gift that it is...

Amy

Round five - bring it on!

Well here we are - hard to believe, but three weeks have already gone by and it's time again tomorrow for my friendly meeting with the chemo dragon. This time is different, though - I know now that I can and will make it through two more treatments, and then can stick a fork in this part of the "journey!"

Brian and I met with a radiation oncologist last week to determine if we will be doing radiation, and, after much research and thought, we have decided to decline radiation treatments. The benefits of doing radiation on someone like me, who underwent a double mastectomy to remove 98 - 99% of breast tissue, including a small tumor and only one positive lymph node are not conclusive, and Brian and I have decided that the risks of radiation are not worth the possible benefits. As we understand it, I have an approximately 10% chance of a local recurrence (meaning in the skin and remaining breast tissue - radiation does NOT impact systemic recurrence, meaning lung, liver, etc. metastisis) (OK I have no idea how to spell that and I will not justify taking time to look up how to spell such a nasty word) with no radiation, and a 5% chance with radiation. We are at peace with our decision, and ready for the "treatment" phase to be over and the "reconstruction" phase to begin!

We are looking forward to being done with Round 5, and it's associated week-long "side effects" just in time to celebrate Christmas with my parents, Brian's parents, Brian's sister and her husband and their 3-month old baby Elijah who we will be meeting for the first time, and my aunt and cousin. It will be so wonderful to have everyone together and to enjoy Ty's and Elijah's first Christmases. Despite this crazy journey that we have been on for the past few months, we feel truly lucky to have so many blessings in our life. We hope you all are enjoying the holidays; hug your family and friends and tell them how glad you are that they are in your life!

Warm holiday wishes and love,

Amy

Tri-ing to make it to the finish line!

I'm back, people! Back to working out, back to being happy Amy, back to enjoying life to the fullest again until I get knocked down again on Dec. 16 (AKA Round 5). And boy oh boy am I psyched to only have 2 more treatments!! For some reason, 3 treatments seemed like soooo many, but 2 seems pretty do-able. So I couldn't be happier to have one more down, and only 2 to go! We're making progress! Sorry this post is delayed - I have actually been "back" for more than a week now, but since I've got to cram all my holiday card sending, gift shopping, and holiday celebrating (yes, cancer girls can still celebrate - in fact, it's a MUST!) into the 2 week chunks between chemo sessions, blogging has had to wait a while.

So - maybe it's because I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe it's because I've been talking to friends who are planning their 2010 tri seasons, maybe it's because I watched "The Biggest Loser - Where are they now" episode last week and was incredibly inspired by Season 1's Matt, who recently completed Ironman Kona, maybe it's because a friend told me about Nike's "Livestrong contest" where you submit your Livestrong story for a chance to watch a Livestrong triathlete compete, maybe it's because I couldn't race last year being pregnant with Ty, but whatever it is, I've got the tri bug bad!! I've been sorting out in my mind which tris to do this summer, from the Highlands Ranch Sprint tri (my first tri ever three seasons ago, and a fave of mine) to Loveland Lake to Lake or Boulder Peak Olympic distance, to even toying with the idea of doing a half Ironman next year!! The Rev3 series looks awesome, my good friend Sonja is doing Cedar Point, and so is Biggest Loser winner Tara Costa and Triathlon Pro/Livestrong team member Laurel Wassner, the first cancer survivor (Hodgkin's) ever to earn a USA Triathlon elite license. And it's in September, so I'd have plenty of time to train. It's a big dream, but you all know dreaming big is the only way to go! I'll be saving my Ironman dreams for a few years, but for now, Half Iron doesn't seem too insane, right? Of course, this is coming from a girl who can currently only run a few miles at a time - but one nevertheless that is still lifting, spinning, kickboxing, running, swimming, even doing P90X throughout chemo. So there might be hope... If not Rev3 this year, maybe Harvest Moon closer to home?

I am inspired by other female triathletes who have also battled cancer while pursuing their triathlon dreams. Nancy Reinisch, a Colorado triathlete, whose diagnosis and treatment were very similar to mine, who trained and competed throughout her "journey" in order to maintain her fitness and sanity (sound familiar?!), then wrote a book documenting her experiences. http://www.chemosabee.com/. Karen Newman, a 47-year old elite triathlete, coach and mom of three, who raced - and placed in her age group! - during chemo, and allowed The Today Show to document her battle with breast cancer: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/27226923#27358948. Her message to those fighting cancer is "never lose hope, don't give up your dreams." And finally, Laurel Wassner, a triathlete for team Livestrong, who battled through cancer to become a pro triathlete and, in her words, "a better person, a better runner, someone who has gotten through 6 rounds of chemo, so can get through anything." I salute you all, ladies, you give me the confidence to know I can push on to the finish line, both in my journey with cancer and in triathlon. Your strength, courage and determination are an inspiration.

There's something about triathlon that has helped me, and these incredible women, push through this tough time, knowing that our dreams are waiting on the other side. I couldn't be more excited to push myself to new limits next year as a cancer survivor and give back to the sport that has pulled me through this crazy time. From racing alongside a good friend as she competes in her first even triathlon to shopping for a new road bike as a reward for making it through this epic journey to going distances I've never gone before, it will be a crazy adventure - and I can't wait!

Round four - am I done yet?

I keep hearing from friends and family - wow, you've been so strong and positive, how do you manage to keep such a great attitude? Well folks, the jig is up - today I lost it. If you want to keep thinking I'm this solid rock who doesn't ever cry or have a bad day, you might want to skip this post. Today was the day that I got mad that cancer invaded my life, today was the day that Safeway's incompetence resulted in my prescription for Emend (the drug I take to control nausea) not getting filled, today was the day that I felt sorry for myself that, while everyone else gets to cook their favorite foods on Thanksgiving (cooking the turkey is my THING - I've been brining my turkey for 7 years and following a special secret recipe, thanks Bev!, all the while drinking wine and loving the process - but this year I not only will feel like crap and probably barely feel like eating turkey at all, thank you chemo, but I can't even get near the oven with my wig even if I did feel like cooking!, and forget about drinking wine!, then sit back and enjoy their family, while I will be laying in bed wishing I could fast forward time several months, today was the day I got FED UP with this whole stupid cancer thing. Yes, ladies and gentleman, we've come to the point in the program where Amy proves that she isn't strong all the time. And while I know in my heart that it is normal and fine and acceptable, I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel strong - like after my ass kicking of a workout this morning (thanks, Lisa - who knew the bright spot of my day today was going to be three sets of burbees and running up and down the stairs until my quads were burning?!) not sad and angry.

But I know I'm human - not to mention an emotional person to begin with - so I should have seen it coming. I knew having chemo two days before Thanksgiving was going to be hard, I just didn't think it would hit me this hard this soon.

This blog is about being REAL, being AMY, so I thought it was important to share that I'm not all sunshine and roses (and pink ribbons!) all the time. I'm ready to be done, to not feel like crap for 7-9 days every three weeks, to be a good mom and wife again, to have cleavage again, for crying out loud! I'm ready for freedom to get on a plane, to eat sushi, to not have my killer workouts interrupted by 7 days of pathetic "chemo week workouts" where my "hard workouts" consist of slow walking for 30 minutes. I'm not even going to complain about not having hair - I'm actually still kind of enjoying the ease of wearing wigs, not having to shave my legs or armpits and being showered and ready to walk out the door in 20 minutes! - but I am really missing some basic parts of my "pre-cancer" life.

I'm going to apologize to the chemo Gods for ever thinking it would be a breeze - it's far from it. I'll head in tomorrow glad that Round 4 will be over, but not glad that two more rounds are in my future. I'm trying to be thankful that I only have 6 rounds - I talked to a friend the other day who had to go through 9 rounds, yikes! - but in the end, I know it may be a struggle to keep putting one foot in front of the other for the next month and a half. But I will do it, and you know what? Maybe it's OK to have some bad days, maybe it's OK to cry, scream, cry again.

In the spirit of admitting that it's OK to feel sad and beaten down, but still able to come through it strong on the other side, I'll make "Stand Back Up" Round 4's theme song... Thank you, Sugarland...

Stand Back Up

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

See ya on the other side... Enjoy an extra glass of wine on Thanksgiving for me, please!

Amy

To all my angels...

Anyone who knows me knows that I believe firmly in the notion that people (angels) come into your life for a reason, and that few things are coincidence. I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason, and that I have been blessed with so many angels who have walked into my life. As I celebrate being halfway done with chemo (yipppeeee!!!!) I want to thank all my angels for helping me along on this crazy journey....

My baby angel - Ty, my amazing little baby - because of you, choosing to come into my life at the time you did, my breast cancer was caught at a very early stage and treated immediately. You are my life saver, and truly my angel. Your huge grin, easy going personality and delight in everyone around you are so precious to me during this time in my life. You and your angel-brother Drew are the light of my life, and the reason I long for "life beyond cancer."

My milk angels - When it became apparent that a bilateral mastectomy would be necessary, and I would not be able to breastfeed my newborn son (something that was extremely important to me), 11+ "milk angels" came to my rescue, pumping their own breastmilk to share with Ty so that he would receive the immunities and nutrients to grow strong and be protected from winter's cold and flu season. From best friends to acquaintances, not one milk angel hesitated for a second when I asked if they would be willing to share any extra milk, taking time and energy out of their schedules to give Ty this incredibly unique, selfless gift. Everyone we talk to - including our pediatrician - has been blown away by the amount and number of angels who were willing to share this gift with us. And Ty is thriving and flourishing because of your milk - at his 2-month appointment, he weighed in at a whopping 13 lbs, 11 oz, in the 90th percentile for weight and 75th for height!! With milk still stockpiled in our freezer, we are overwhelmed and so incredibly blessed by your generosity and love.

My traveling angels - Charlotte and Jess, two of my best friends, travelled from the midwest to take care of me and my family when I needed them desperately - a week after surgery and a week after my first chemo treatment. Seeing their faces and having their hugs, kisses and extra special care made some really tough weeks more bearable. I wish you both were so much closer, but am so blessed to have incredible friends that will drop everything to fly to my rescue!

My "BC angels" - On this journey, I have met some incredible women who have blazed the trail ahead of me, giving me strength that this can be conquered, and that I can do it with the grace and style that they have. Gina, Brooke, Nic, Molly, Andrea, Lori - you are my heros for being my cheerleaders, hand holders and cancer SURVIVORS!!! Elaine - my partner in crime, together kicking this thing's ass in style, counting down the days until our treatments are over, our hair is back and we can laugh about this blip in the road with a martini in hand. And to all the other BC angels who have touched my life with their e-mails, blogs, cards, notes and books describing their own battle with this crappy disease, providing constant encouragement and sisterhood - you have provided me strength and knowledge that I can get through this, and will be forever changed - and not in a bad way - from this experience.

My friend angels - How do you know what to do to help a friend who has been diagnosed with breast cancer? I never knew the answer prior to my diagnosis, but apparently someone informed my friends. They have known just what to do, everyone contributing in their own unique ways - coming with me to every chemo treatment, drinking champagne with me while I buzzed my hair off, shaving their own heads with me!!, popping back into my life and driving across town to shave 15 people's heads, helping me name my wigs, organizing 90 walkers to Race for the Cure, then making them all "chemosabe" headbands, sending me card after card and e-mail after e-mail to let me know they were thinking about me constantly, watching my kids as they would their own while I attend endless doctor visits, racing with my name on their backs, celebrating with me after each round of chemo, sending me care packages from across the US and world, buying me PJ's to make me feel cozy and loved on my worst post-surgery and post-chemo days, letting me talk about awkward things like which wig to wear while working out and how I long for cleavage again, calling me before every chemo treatment, coordinating the mowing of our lawn, organizing meal service and breastmilk delivery, taking care of cleaning my house, handmaking super special gifts and food to put a smile on my face, not telling me how crazy I am to be planning triathlons for 2010, but instead telling me how STRONG I am and reminding me that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to take care of my kids during chemo and above all, how I'm kicking cancer's ass like a champ.

My family angels - I would never be able to get through any of this without my parent and parent-in-law angels. They have made countless trips to Colorado to take care of my kids when I can't, taken time off work, coordinated schedules to allow life to go on as normal as possible for our family. When I'm rendered useless for days on end after surgery and chemo, they give my kids what I can't - constant love and attention. They take care of night feedings, daytime entertainment and everything in between. They keep my kids' lives together when I can't, and that is a special gift. I am honored to have been chosen to be your daughter and daughter-in-law.

My trainer angel - Having been addicted to exercise-induced endorphins for most of my life, I knew that this cancer battle was going to need to be fought on the gym floor. I hired my angel trainer, Lisa, for her unfailingly kick-ass attitude, fabulously enviable body and confidence in my athletic ability despite this silly cancer diagnosis. People ask me "does Lisa take it easy on you ?" My answer - a resounding HELL NO! And I would not want it any other way! She believes in me and pushes me to my limits so that I can walk away from each day at the gym feeling strong in body and mind. She turns my day from "blech, I'm feeling sorry for myself because I have to go through this icky stuff" to "hell yeah, I can take on the world... and cancer too!" With each training session, I feel stronger and stronger, mentally and physically... and luckier and luckier to have Lisa come into my life.

My husband angel!! Oh honey - you are and have always been my most important angel. The one I longed for all my life, but never thought I'd be lucky enough to deserve. The one to help me through what I used to think were hard things - job frustrations, co-worker friction, the stress of parenting. Through this biggest life challenge you have loved me, held me, and told me how beautiful, special and loved I am every day. You call me your hero, but you will always be mine. Not many people get to have a relationship like ours in their lifetime, and I will never know how I got so lucky as to have you by my side every day of my life. My soulmate, my best friend, my reason for fighting... I love you more than anything. I'm so excited to spend the next 50 years together; there are so many adventures I can't wait to have with you...

To all my angels - thank you for blessing my life with your presence, but above all, thank you for holding my hand through this journey. I haven't figured out yet exactly why I was chosen to travel this road, and probably never will. But I know that at least part of the reason was to fully understand the capacity of the human heart to love, to give and to help heal. I know that I will be forever changed by your kindness, generosity and love, and for that I will always be thankful...

Love always, Amy

Round three - ding ding!

Allright sports fans - are you ready for Round 3? I am, I guess. I went for a run yesterday to help clear my mind, and, due to my not really running after week 22 of pregnancy (ummm, yeah, that would be the CC Sneak in late April) and a tad of fatigue which I'll go ahead and blame on chemo, I was running REALLY slow and having a hard time hanging on to my goal of running 3 miles. Not consecutively, people, don't get ahead of yourselves. That's still a ways away. But regardless, I wanted to run 3 just to prove to myself that I could do it. To keep in mind, pre-baby, pre-chemo my "short, easy" runs were 4-6 miles, so 3 "should be" cake. Well it wasn't yesterday, and when I wanted to give up, to walk, I just kept telling myself, just a few more steps, just pick up the legs and keep moving forward, just keep doing it, because if you make it all 3 miles, girl, you're gonna feel like a million bucks. And you know what? It was hard, it sucked, I was exhausted and wanted so bad to give up, but I just knew that if I did, I would feel way less than a million bucks - I would feel like a dollar. And I just couldn't disappoint myself like that. So I powered through, and felt like a total rock star at the end. My piddly three miles, and I had a grin on my face that you couldn't wipe off all day. I've been dreading doing this round of chemo, and 3 more after it, for most of this week. But I'm trying to think of it like my run - just keep putting one foot in front of each other, just don't give up, just keep on keeping on, and eventually I'll make it to the finish line and it will all be worth it. But I know that every step will be hard, just like that damn run. It will hurt, it won't be pretty, it will be slow going sometimes and easier others, but in a few months, I get to receive the title of "chemo survivor" and I'm gonna be damn proud of it, thank you very much. Hats off to all the folks out there doing chemo - it's hard, it's not fun, but you make it through because you have to and because your spirit is strong.

Tomorrow will mark #3 of 6, a huge milestone to be 1/2 way through. (Well OK halfway through chemo, with 7 fun months of Herceptin every three weeks for a year, but I keep being told it will be "nothing" so I'm counting on that and trying hard not to think about that right now!) It will feel SO good to be halfway through, but it's still a long, tough ride ahead. One foot in front of another, one foot in front of another.... Repeat until January...

Since I've always been all about the music, I've adopted a "theme song" of sorts that I play to psyche myself up for chemo and other cancer-related toughness - an awesome, upbeat song by country singers Rodney Atkins. Here are a few excerpts...

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying
Guess what I'm saying

Yeah, If you're going through hell
Keep on moving, face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there

I play it constantly to remind me to keep on pounding through, if I can just pick up my pace a bit I might sneak past the devil! Here's to hoping...

Love you all! See ya on the other side of hell, I mean chemo...

Amy

I'm alive!!

Hooray! I'm happy to say that I have survived another round of chemo! Only 4 more to go! And I'm even happier that this round was at least 100 times "easier" - although anyone who has been through chemo knows that "easy" is code word for the worst weeks of your life. By easier I mean that this round was livable - certainly not a walk in the park, but compared to last time, it really couldn't have gotten worse. This time I thankfully did not have the shaking vision and/or absolutely excrutiating pain. I could actually make it through the days with just non-stop Aleve, extra strength Tylenol, lots of heating pads and the mental knowledge that however bad it got, it would be over in a few days. This time, I wasn't in so much pain that I couldn't function; I could actually watch TV (FOOTBALL!!!) and get away from the pain instead of focusing in on it coursing through my body. Whether it was the extra IV fluids my dr. had me take (probably not), taking more Claritin to help with the back, neck and my favorite, the mastectomy pain (debatable - something about the histamine reaction?) or just staying on top of the OTC meds (this combined with having higher hemoglobin levels and overall blood volume is what I'm guessing made the difference), I didn't even have to think about filling the Percocet prescription my dr. finally gave me!! Huge thanks to my parents and my in-laws, who watched the kids this weekend and into the week so that I could focus on my physical and mental recovery, and as always, to my incredible husband for helping pull me through another round. And to you all, for your wonderful thoughts, prayers, texts, e-mails, food, etc. - I really couldn't do this without you all - apparently it takes a village to kick cancer's ass! I know how lucky I am to have this phenomenal support; I love you all so much!

So now I get to enjoy two more weeks of "happy Amy" before "chemo Amy" rears her ugly head again on Nov 5. But troop on I must, so I will.

When I learned I would be losing my hair due to chemo, my biggest fear was how Drew (4 years old) would handle having a mommy with no hair. As I've stated in a previous post, I knew I would probably wear wigs in "public" but thought I would probably go wig-less at home, for comfort reasons. I've been surprised and elated to see his reaction - or lack thereof! I have to share a hilarious story about the innocence of kids, and how not a big deal it is to them. Drew and his best buddy, a girl we'll call A, (who has gorgeous, long hair that she is growing out to give to Locks of Love!) were sitting in the back of A's mom's car, on their way to A's house for a playdate. Drew started talking about how much he liked his hair being so short, and said "A, it's so funny - my daddy shaved his head, I shaved my head, and my mommy shaved her head, and Ty has no hair, so now we all don't have hair!" She giggled, agreed that it was cool, and said "your mommy has such beautiful hair! (referring to Fancy Nancy)". Drew said "yeah, it's super cool - she can put it on and then she has hair, and when she takes it off, she doesn't!" They both giggled again, then started talking about something else. It warms my heart to know that Drew loves his mommy, hair or no hair, no matter what. It doesn't freak him out that sometimes I have hair and sometimes I don't - he knows that as long as I'm there for him to shower him with love, support and kisses, it doesn't really matter. And for me, when I'm laying in bed with him at bedtime, just knowing that all I have to be is the best mommy I can be, hair or no hair, he'll love me regardless, is the best gift in the world. Drewman, you rock...

Before I sign off, a quick shout out to my girl Brooke, my inspiration and friend, who completed her BC treatment this morning!! You are a true rock star, my friend, I love you and am so happy to have you to lead me through this crazy journey. Here's to you, and me following in your footsteps!! And here's to everyone who has kicked the crap out this disease with their love, strength and courage - a journey few would choose, but those who are chosen are stronger and happier in the end...

Amy

Round two, here we come!

So tomorrow I go in to battle the chemo dragon again. The good news is that I met with my oncologist yesterday to figure out a plan so that hopefully I won't experience as much pain this time around, the bad news is that I have to do it again... and four more times after that... I keep trying to convince my Dr. that 4 rounds would certainly be sufficient, but she isn't buying it. Bummer. So I'm taking a deep breath, hoping and praying that this time will be slightly easier and possibly even won't take me out of commission for a full 7 days, maybe 5 or 6 this time? And trying not to be scared. For me that's the hard part - being scared and feeling helpless. For those of you that know me, you know that scared and helpless are NOT my usual M.O. - I HATE feeling this way.

On that note, I want to send a HUGE shout out to those of you that have contributed hugely to my mental health by making it possible (through donations of money, babysitting time and LOVE) for me to work out at the gym. I met with my personal trainer on Monday for the first time, and cannot recall being so incredibly happy to get my butt fully kicked. I seriously felt like I was on "The Biggest Loser" working out with Jillian, and just that feeling made me so happy!! The personal training and spin/weight lifting classes I am able to do with your generous help are helping me so much feel healthy, STRONG in mind and body and like a piece of me is still the same - all very important during this time for me. I can't tell you what a difference it has made in the last few weeks, being able to get back to my regular workout routine - the strength, physical and mental, that I am getting is so crucial to feeling whole and having "happy Amy" around. We all like her a lot better than the alternative! My kids and husband thank you too!! I've been able to start swimming, biking, running and lifting over the past few weeks, so I've been excitedly eyeing upcoming races like the Winter Distance Series 5K on Dec. 19, of course the Beaver Creek snowshoe series (especially the Susan G. Komen fundraiser!!) and am looking ahead to planning my tri schedule for 2010 - anyone want to join me for Tri for the Cure? That's a must, along with the Highlands Ranch sprint tri and definitely an Olympic distance this year... Just knowing that I can and will get back to racing makes me happy. I'm by far NOT the strongest or fastest triathlete out there, never have been and never will be - but again, triathlon makes me feel strong, whole and happy; everyone should find something that makes them feel like triathlons do for me.

I also want to again thank everyone who has helped our family out in other ways, with dinners, breakfasts, babysitting, playdates, heartfelt gifts (all so wonderful and appreciated, from pedicure gift certificates to race schwag to.... wait for it.... hand-knitted fake boobs - my FAVE and very well loved!!!!), advice, thoughts and LOVE. I know this is a marathon, not a sprint (well, OK, probably more like an Ironman) so your continued love and support is so important to us. After this, we'll have 4 more to go, so eye on the prize, looking to mid-January and SUPER excited for a very good friend's wedding in February, when I'll be done with treatments and ready to celebrate in style the union of two incredible people.

I'll leave you with this last thought, and then it's radio silence until late next week...

"Turn up the music, turn it up loud, take a few chances, let it all out, 'cuz you won't regret it, looking back from where you have been, 'cuz it's not who you knew, and it's not what you did, it's how you lived...." -Point of Grace, "How You Live" (look for it on iTunes - it's a MUST LISTEN!!!!)

OK, just kidding, one final thought: I'd love for you all to comment on my blog, and hope you haven't been having trouble! From my good friend Sonja, who set up this blog: "if you want to comment and you are having trouble, you can choose Name/URL in the comment drop down box, type your name, leave the URL blank, and then type your comment."

Love you all!

Amy, Brian, Drew and Ty

The Pink Ribbon Chronicles are going virtual, baby!

Since my diagnosis on July 30, I have been e-mailing updates to friends and family to communicate information and share my story. My "Pink Ribbon Chronicles" has been a great way to keep everyone informed and I've loved the responses I've gotten - they have often pulled me through when I needed it. A good friend of mine, Sonja (pictured here with me after she shaved her head with me on Friday night, then proceeded to WIN Race for the Cure on Sunday, racing for me!) suggested that I create a blog that would not only allow me to share information, but photos and other goodies as well, and I loved the idea but didn't know exactly how to go about it. Well, thanks to Sonja, (a blogger herself - check out www.gosonja.com) The Pink Ribbon Chronicles are going virtual!!

I will now be using this format instead of e-mail updates to communicate, which is very exciting. I'll be able to share information more efficiently, add tons of photos, and blog about things in a more casual way, all the while knowing that you all will still get the info you need!! I'm still getting the hang of this, but I'm pretty sure you can subscribe to my blog, so you can find out when I've updated it, or just check back as often as you'd like. I'll be figuring it out right along with you...

Thanks to Son for making me a "blogger" (yikes!) - I already know I'm going to get addicted! Stay tuned for more adventures...

Love, Amy

Fancy Nancy is in the house - watch out world!

In the past few months, I have been lucky enough to have several special women come into my life. While I am so sad that we have had to be diagnosed with breast cancer in order to meet, I feel truly blessed to have them in my life, and know that we will always be friends. One of these people is Brooke. She was a sorority sister of one of my good friends, and when I told this friend my news, she said "Amy, you have to talk to Brooke - she is awesome, you will love her, and she is going through what you're going through right now!" When Brooke and I connected, I felt like I had known her for years the first time we talked. I have talked about in previous posts how I had to be "led into" each stage of treatment in doses, rather than be hit with everything at the same time, so as not to break down into pieces. In talking with Brooke, in her sweet southern accent, she mentioned "oh sweetie, I don't mean to scare you, but I don't think you can be Estrogen negative and avoid chemo." And such was my introduction to losing my hair. Seconds after that bomb, Brooke said "but don't worry, there are great wigs!" and proceeded to e-mail me the picture of her incredible wig (see pic above right). "People don't even know - I get compliments all the time!" she proclaimed! From that moment on, I knew I HAD to find a wig that would make me feel like Brooke felt - self-confident and HAPPY. So, a week later, chemo diagnosis in hand, I went to Hana Designs, a wig shop I had never known about, just 10 minutes from my house, and picked out the sweetest wig I could find. Strawberry blonde, lots of layers, most of the way down my back, since I could never in a million years grow my own hair that long. I brought Brian and several of my girlfriends in to assess the wig, and everyone said "yeah, that looks incredible, Ame!" The day after my head shaving party, one of my best girlfriends and I went to Hana to have the wig fitted and cut, and then headed to the bar to "break in" my new accessory (see pic above left). Dubbing her "Fancy Nancy" we toasted to good times and kicking cancer's ass in style. Fast forward a week later - I was approached by a total stranger, who could not get over my hair, going on and on about how gorgeous and shiny it was. I resisted the urge to spill the beans about my little secret, preferring instead to later tell all my friends how hysterical it was that a stranger complimented my fake hair - in my entire life, I have not received one compliment on my real hair, yet here I was, 4 days into wearing my wig, and I was getting compliments on my fake hair! So without further ado, let me introduce the world to "Fancy Nancy" - my new BFF. Now, while "Fancy Nancy" is definitely called for on some occasions, there are times that call for a slightly less "fancy" do - enter "Jillian". Originally dubbed for her exercise functionality, she is to be worn under hats only, but I have decided that she is too fine of quality to be sweated on. So Jillian (a straight, slightly shorter, yet still gorgeous wig) will be worn with hats for everyday running the kids around, and "Bob," a curly, inexpensive wig, will be accompanying me when it's time to work out. As I have learned from my good friend Brooke (who has her "fancy hair, pool hair and exercise hair") it is very important to have different wigs for different facets of life. I'm grateful to Brooke for helping me get to the point where I am comfortable with losing my hair, knowing that I can still look good, be confident, and even astound strangers with how incredible my hair is. Like Brooke, I have never once cried over losing my hair, but instead embraced the fun I can have with wigs and feeling confident about myself during a process which can be very trying on self-esteem. I am glad to have Fancy Nancy, Jillian and Bob in my life to help me feel less like a cancer patient and more like a glamour girl.

Cheers to Brooke - an amazing mom, a beautiful and strong woman, an inspirational friend who always has time to talk and the right words for me to hear. I love you, Brooke, and am honored to call you my friend. And cheers to sweet, low maintenence hair!!

Amy

A Huge Thank You!!

Wow! I think it will take a while to fully recover from this past weekend!

The weekend started out on Friday with the Black Eyed Peas blaring "So tonight's gonna be a good good night" out of my iPod while I drank pink champagne and awaited the arrival of 50+ friends and family, 15 of whom would be shaving their own heads in support of me. It was an unforgettable evening, full of incredible people and lots of fun! Special thank yous go out to Gianna, who shaved 13 heads - that's a lot of hair, people! And Ben, Jen and others, who documented the whole thing with some great photos!! Here are some of my faves... What a night. Truly so special to me. Thank you to all for supporting my crazy idea and making it perfect with your presence, head shaving and just in general not acting like I was insane!!









Then, on Sunday, I had the incredible honor of participating in Race for the Cure, alongside more than 85 people, all of whom came out on a chilly morning to walk in my support. I am truly humbled and forever changed by the experience of seeing you all out there and feeling the enormity of how incredibly loved and supported I am (picture below blows my mind every time I look at it!). Together, we raised more than $8,000, which was among the top 15 teams for all fundraising. Incredible. A huge thank you to Nicole for organizing such a huge undertaking, making 50+ indian headdresses and being the team cheerleader and champion! Adding to the excitement of the morning, just prior to the family walk, my good friend Sonja (who had shaved her head on Friday with me - see picture below of Sonja and my good friend Chris, both shaved on Friday!) won the 5K race and told my story on 9News! We're still awaiting a link to the coverage, but had so many family and friends see the live feed - very cool. She was also asked to guest blog on Mile High Mamas, and that blog was picked up by Susan G. Komen. The PR is piling up folks! :)







Since my diagnosis, I have had several girlfriends request a mammogram/ultrasound from the OBs, telling them my story. I want to say how PROUD I am of you ladies for taking charge of your health. It's a scary thing to do, but well worth it to have the peace of mind. I encourage you all to share my story with your doctor, then make them "find a reason" for a mammogram and/or ultrasound. A good OB will do this for you - if they won't, I would personally find another doctor. I also want to say that, if you do have concerns about a suspicious lump, FORCE your doctor to do something about it, or change doctors. I have heard too many horror stories lately about doctors who dismissed patients' concerns as "too young and healthy" to have breast cancer. My friends, no one knows how quickly and aggressively cancer grows, especially in young people, and literally, waiting a few months can mean the difference between a much more difficult struggle... or worse. On the lightrail ride home from Race for the Cure, I spoke with a group of young people that lost their friend Tessa in June to breast cancer. Last year, Tessa, at 7 months pregnant, told her doctor about a lump she was concerned about. Her concerns were dismissed as "a clogged milk duct". However, days after her C-section to deliver her son Landon, doctors found that it was indeed cancer, and had spread to her bones, liver and lymph nodes, and she was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. (Mine was stage 2 - VERY curable thank goodness, whereas stage 4 not so much). Six months later, Tessa lost her battle with breast cancer, leaving behind her husband and six-month old baby boy. Oh by the way, she was 28 years old when she died. I'm not trying to scare you - but no one ever thinks it will happen to them. Please, do it today. It makes me happy to know that I have already influenced some of you to take charge of their health, and hopefully more to come!!

Thank you again for your presence in my life, and for supporting me and my family on this crazy journey. Stay tuned for more chemo adventures to come beginning next Thursday... Think good positive chemo-battling thoughts...

All our love and thanks,
Amy and Brian and family

Pink Ribbon Chronicles - Part 8

Love. Strength. Courage.

This has been my mantra over the past week, and boy, has it been a week.

As Brian alluded to in his update e-mail, I erroneously believed that after two drug-free deliveries and a double mastectomy, I had a pretty decent pain tolerance and had nothing to worry about with regards to chemo. Wow, was I wrong. Chemo was about 150 times harder than I ever thought it would be, physically and emotionally. From a "bad drug trip" kind of emotional experience to shaking vision to uncontrolled, unbearable neck, back and post-mastectomy pain and finally a blood transfusion; there were times when I thought I would never be pain-free again or have my personality and laughter back!

In that light (to my horror!) people were actually asking if the head-shaving party was cancelled - WHAT?!?! This is NOT the Amy we know and love!! As I lay on my couch struggling with how to cope with the pain, the thought that got me through was "chemo will NOT keep me from having a party!!!!" So, that question is answered. The party is ON, in a big way. One word of caution however - while I want every one of you here for the party, PLEASE do not come if you are currently or feel you are, getting sick. I'm told that my body is the most "immunocompromised" in the period 7-14 days following chemo - AKA today through next Thursday. Yeah, good time to have a huge party. Oh well, can't have chemo keeping me from living life - but can be smart about it. So please, love ya, but no sick people and also remember to wash your hands frequently and/or use hand sanitizer while at Casa de McDowell tomorrow evening. Also, if possible, please arrive promptly at 6 p.m. if you want to see the head-shaving festivities in full swing. We plan to keep all hair outside, and since it is getting dark/cold by 7:15 these days, we're hoping to get people shaved quickly! We'll move the shaving into the garage if necessary, but it will be more fun to do it on the patio... My incredible husband has volunteered to go first, followed by "the main event"!

Thank you all so much for your messages of strength, love and support. I am humbled by the fact that there will be nearly 50 people in attendance tomorrow at the party and more than 80 walking with us on Sunday who have raised a total of more than $4,500 that will help ensure that this disease will never haunt anyone else again. I feel so incredibly loved, and that is what gets me through when the pain and doubt take over. A special thank you also for your support of Brian through this process. The role of "breast cancer husband" is a truly crappy one to play - to watch the woman you love go through this is rough enough without having to shoulder the responsibility of staying positive, keeping the family running smoothly and working full-time, all while waking up every three hours throughout the night for feedings, thus doing it all on very little sleep. You continue to amaze and inspire, honey - you have always been and will always be my hero.

Two weeks from today, on Oct. 15, I will go back to battle the chemo dragon again (#2 out of 6). This time, I will be armed with knowledge of what is in store for me, coupled with some good pain meds (hopefully! my doctor seemed reluctant to give me pain meds despite the fact that I was begging for them - and for me that is a BIG deal!) and all your love and support. I know that next time will likely be just as hard, as will each time. I will continue to draw on your generous offers of help and love to carry our family through this journey safe and sound...

Love, Amy, Brian, Drew and Ty

Pink Ribbon Chronicles - Part 7

Being deeply loved gives you strength; loving deeply gives you courage - Lao Tze.

It's only appropriate that I start this note with such a strong, perfect quote. It has been a roller coaster of a week, and the only way I've been able to get through it is by being deeply loved by you all, and my loving you all deeply in return.

Last Friday, August 28, I faced and conquered my biggest fear through this journey - a 7 hour surgery to remove the cancerous breast tissue from my body. I won't lie - I was more scared than I have ever been, about the possibility of going under and never getting to see my dearest friends and family again. I was terrified of the unknown - how I would feel waking up, what recovery would be like, whether it would all be too much for me to take. When I came out of surgery Friday night, I felt so relieved that the worst was over, I was alive and the cancer was gone.

As Brian mentioned in his Friday evening update, the surgery turned out to be a bit longer than planned because the surgeon did find that the cancer had in fact spread to my sentinel lymph node. Because of this, they took 9 lymph nodes (apparently a lot to take - usually they only take 1-4) to analyze for additional cancerous tissue. Luckily, when the tissue was analyzed post-surgery, the only node that they did find cancer in was the sentinel node - which is very good news. It won't alter the course of my future treatment, but is a major positive that it hasn't spread further. It also affirms that we were lucky we found and removed the cancer when we did - this proves it was trying to spread to other parts of the body, which would be very bad.

Regarding recovery, it has not been an easy week, but again, one that has taught me a lot about myself, my absolutely incredible husband, friends and family, and the kindness of the human spirit. I had mistakenly thought I would be one of those people who recovers in a week, but alas, am finding that it will definitely take some time before my physical healing is complete. I also was under the mistaken impression that Vicadin takes away all pain - ha, what a joke! I shudder to think what kind of pain I would be in were it not for Vics! Yikes! However, mentally, I seriously feel so fortunate to have so many people thinking of me, praying for me, and doing everything they can to help me through this crazy time. You have all helped out in very special and unique ways - I will never forget them.

We have already had one follow up meeting with the plastic surgeon, which went very well, and will have a few more follow ups before they feel comfortable scheduling the first round of chemo. We will let you know once that has been determined.

In the meantime, thank you to Nicole for organizing the Race for the Cure! I am honored that so many of you want to participate, and excited to see all of you that weekend and know that you are standing strong behind me. It will be a great weekend for bald people. :)

I am trying to be strong and courageous, but any healing thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated. As you all know, being the patient person I am (NOT!) I am ready to start feeling 100% again instead of 60-75%!

Much love,
Amy, Brian, Drew and Ty