But I know I'm human - not to mention an emotional person to begin with - so I should have seen it coming. I knew having chemo two days before Thanksgiving was going to be hard, I just didn't think it would hit me this hard this soon.
This blog is about being REAL, being AMY, so I thought it was important to share that I'm not all sunshine and roses (and pink ribbons!) all the time. I'm ready to be done, to not feel like crap for 7-9 days every three weeks, to be a good mom and wife again, to have cleavage again, for crying out loud! I'm ready for freedom to get on a plane, to eat sushi, to not have my killer workouts interrupted by 7 days of pathetic "chemo week workouts" where my "hard workouts" consist of slow walking for 30 minutes. I'm not even going to complain about not having hair - I'm actually still kind of enjoying the ease of wearing wigs, not having to shave my legs or armpits and being showered and ready to walk out the door in 20 minutes! - but I am really missing some basic parts of my "pre-cancer" life.
I'm going to apologize to the chemo Gods for ever thinking it would be a breeze - it's far from it. I'll head in tomorrow glad that Round 4 will be over, but not glad that two more rounds are in my future. I'm trying to be thankful that I only have 6 rounds - I talked to a friend the other day who had to go through 9 rounds, yikes! - but in the end, I know it may be a struggle to keep putting one foot in front of the other for the next month and a half. But I will do it, and you know what? Maybe it's OK to have some bad days, maybe it's OK to cry, scream, cry again.
In the spirit of admitting that it's OK to feel sad and beaten down, but still able to come through it strong on the other side, I'll make "Stand Back Up" Round 4's theme song... Thank you, Sugarland...
See ya on the other side... Enjoy an extra glass of wine on Thanksgiving for me, please!