Round four - am I done yet?

I keep hearing from friends and family - wow, you've been so strong and positive, how do you manage to keep such a great attitude? Well folks, the jig is up - today I lost it. If you want to keep thinking I'm this solid rock who doesn't ever cry or have a bad day, you might want to skip this post. Today was the day that I got mad that cancer invaded my life, today was the day that Safeway's incompetence resulted in my prescription for Emend (the drug I take to control nausea) not getting filled, today was the day that I felt sorry for myself that, while everyone else gets to cook their favorite foods on Thanksgiving (cooking the turkey is my THING - I've been brining my turkey for 7 years and following a special secret recipe, thanks Bev!, all the while drinking wine and loving the process - but this year I not only will feel like crap and probably barely feel like eating turkey at all, thank you chemo, but I can't even get near the oven with my wig even if I did feel like cooking!, and forget about drinking wine!, then sit back and enjoy their family, while I will be laying in bed wishing I could fast forward time several months, today was the day I got FED UP with this whole stupid cancer thing. Yes, ladies and gentleman, we've come to the point in the program where Amy proves that she isn't strong all the time. And while I know in my heart that it is normal and fine and acceptable, I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel strong - like after my ass kicking of a workout this morning (thanks, Lisa - who knew the bright spot of my day today was going to be three sets of burbees and running up and down the stairs until my quads were burning?!) not sad and angry.

But I know I'm human - not to mention an emotional person to begin with - so I should have seen it coming. I knew having chemo two days before Thanksgiving was going to be hard, I just didn't think it would hit me this hard this soon.

This blog is about being REAL, being AMY, so I thought it was important to share that I'm not all sunshine and roses (and pink ribbons!) all the time. I'm ready to be done, to not feel like crap for 7-9 days every three weeks, to be a good mom and wife again, to have cleavage again, for crying out loud! I'm ready for freedom to get on a plane, to eat sushi, to not have my killer workouts interrupted by 7 days of pathetic "chemo week workouts" where my "hard workouts" consist of slow walking for 30 minutes. I'm not even going to complain about not having hair - I'm actually still kind of enjoying the ease of wearing wigs, not having to shave my legs or armpits and being showered and ready to walk out the door in 20 minutes! - but I am really missing some basic parts of my "pre-cancer" life.

I'm going to apologize to the chemo Gods for ever thinking it would be a breeze - it's far from it. I'll head in tomorrow glad that Round 4 will be over, but not glad that two more rounds are in my future. I'm trying to be thankful that I only have 6 rounds - I talked to a friend the other day who had to go through 9 rounds, yikes! - but in the end, I know it may be a struggle to keep putting one foot in front of the other for the next month and a half. But I will do it, and you know what? Maybe it's OK to have some bad days, maybe it's OK to cry, scream, cry again.

In the spirit of admitting that it's OK to feel sad and beaten down, but still able to come through it strong on the other side, I'll make "Stand Back Up" Round 4's theme song... Thank you, Sugarland...

Stand Back Up

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

See ya on the other side... Enjoy an extra glass of wine on Thanksgiving for me, please!

Amy